For this child I prayed…

So…I am absolutely positively aching for my new baby to arrive. (ok, that just made it sound like I was talking about a new car!) But I don’t know how else to express it! Photo’s of newborns made my heart physically ache. I stand in the Woolies baby section looking longingly at all the teeny weeny perfect liitle pink outfits! The little hats, the booties, the onesies! I walk the Isles of Baby City like I’m walking the isles of New York’s 5th Avenue I am in awe of all the stuff I want to get for her & how much new baby stuff there is compared to 2 years ago when I had Elam.

I stand there thinking why,oh why does pregancy take so damn long!!! Is that weird? Am I going a little bit crazy? It’s ok. you can tell me. I can handle it.

I think about my baby almost every second of every day. I dream of the day I will get to meet her tiny wrinkled face. I wonder what type of person she will be? I wonder what kind of personality she will have.

I close my eyes and imagine her sweet smell and her feathery soft skin. I dream of the her looking into my eyes and knowing that I am the most familiar and comforting presence in her little world.I dream of breastfeeding you. That feeling of being totally completely in sync with you. the privilege of being the only person who can give you that live-giving nourishment. I dream of soothing you & rocking you to sleep. Getting a newborn to fall asleep by the way, is one of THEE greatest feelings of accomplishments in the entire world! Then I will lay you down gently in your beautiful cot and stand and watch you sleep while my heart just pumps chocolate marshmellows of love for you.

I long for you baby girl. June,July,August,September: BE GONE WITH YOU!

That’s all.

 

 

 

 

Keeping up with the Shogole’s…

I’ve kind of had writers block lately and I have been feeling very introspective & doing a lot of thinking and planning 7 networking (see last post) & just getting my ducks in a row… I’m not really out of that “zone” yet so i’ll try to briefly bullet point what we’ve been up to the last few weeks:

• Elam’s becoming a big girl! She loooooves school and Teacher Daleen & her school friends. She’s learning so much and talking and singing nursery rhymes (followed by clapping enthusiastically for herself and saying “yaaaaaayyyyy!!!” after everything song Ofcourse mommy & daddy find all of this incredibly exciting and we join in veryu enthusiastically and sincerely in the singing and clapping )
• Elam’s latest words/phrases: “go away” , “move” ,”i want to play”, “what you doing?”, “mama gone or tata gone” and our favourite one since weaning her off the bottle “Bhotile(bottle) gone!”, “Hello tellytummies!” (tellitubbies) etc etc.
• Speaking of weaning her off the bottle, we started last Wednesday. It’s been 7 days today. We just decided to try and see what happens. She was drinking a lot of milk and although she wore panties during the day & stayed dry, at night she would go through 2 nappies at night and still wake up wet and her bedding and clothes would also be wet most nights. So, we just decided to try one night at a time without the bottle. Some nights are easier than others. some nights she goes absolutely beserk wanting her bottle and some nights are very calm. We have hidden away all bottles in the house and are currently giving her milk from a sippycup (which she’s not crazy about) and from a normal plastic cup as well sometimes. I’ve felt like giving in MANY times seeing my baby screaming and crying for her bottle and knowing I could just give her what she wants and she’d be happy But I’ve stuck to my guns. and we’re on day7 and counting….
• On Monday night, they had a cheese & wine evening & art auction at E’s school. The parents had to buy the kids art posters as a fundraising initiative. Bidding started at R100 upwards. We bought E’s painting (obvioulsy). It’s BEAUTIFUL!!! Obviously teacher assisted the little ones quite a lot but the tree leaves and branches are made out of your baby’s hand prints. the clouds out of heel prints, the grass also little fingers, everything painted, birds, flowers etc is made from a print of the childs body so it’s really authentic & really really special. we’re getting ours framed and it will go up in the girls bedroom.
• Speaking of the “GIRLS”, our new baby is another girl! We are very excited! Although daddy obviously would have loved his own little mini-me, he is very liberal and totally understands that it is actually the male who determines gender so if he has an issue, he must speak nicely to his male swimmers next time. they seem to be very slow off the mark & his female swimmers always seem to win the race to the egg  Heeehehee  Anyway, i think he is not too bothered because he wants a 3rd child so “there’s still hope”
• So, Peanut (as she is currently known) still doesn’t have a name, but we have a couple of ideas. we are very excited about her.I have started collecting stuff for the girls bedroom. The beds are arriving in mid June and I want to have all the linen and accessories ready by then. Peanut’s cot and compactum is also ready with a fresh new coat of paint. I am really enjoying the whole process of preparing for this little one & i’m excited that E will also have her own kiddies space to play in. At the moment, everything is very girly, mainly pink & white. It will be years before my girls have strong colour-scheme preferences so for the meantime, their bedroom will be the way mommy like it. heeheee
• We are trying to explain to E that soon she will have a Sister and that there’s a baby in mommy’s belly but I think she is still too young to really understand. So she’ll just repeat after you “TITA!” (sister) and “BABY!!!!” but that’s about it.
• Speaking of mommy’s belly, I am now 22weeks pregnant. I’m really starting to show now and I love it! I actually love being pregnant. Even with all the discomforts that come along with it. I love that i am carrying a life inside of me& I love the great responsibility I have for that little life’s wellbeing even before they are born. I think it is such a privilege and such a joy! How soppy am I???
• I’ve decided to move from my gynae at Sunninghill hospital to a midwife at Genesis clinic. I have my reasons but I don’t really want to go into detail yet. Actually super excited about that! & although quite nervous about it, i’m totally convinced that i have made the right decision.
• WORK: I got a mini promotion!!! I had a huge issue with my boss in January at the time of performance reviews and promotions etc. She just appeared not to find it important at all that I be promoted regardless of the fact that she was happy with my work and that the rating that she gave me indicated that I was performing way beyond the level that I was on! We had a couple of meetings where I told her my unhappiness and she said she would speak to HR etc. Then it went quiet for a couple of months & I kept quiet and just made some personal decisions about this job & my future here. Anyway, the week before last, I got a meeting request out of the blue & VOILA! I had gotten my promotion!!! I was SO happy & the increase in salary was a cherry on top. (I had been told that i was already on the salary scale of the position I wanted to be promoted to so I wouldn’t get an increase *insert angry face*) So, they told me the increase I got was a “token of appreciation” from the boss. *sigh*
• Last week went to the Annual Thabo Mbeki Africa day lecture at Unisa. It was really really nice ! And given what I want to do with my life, it was the perfect opportunity to meet very influential people and chat to them about the things they are doing & how I can get involved etc. It was really really being at the right place at the right time and I’m so grateful to my hubby to getting me onto the “DIGNITARIES” guest list heehee:) Anyway, hopefully some stuff will start happening soon…
• Other than all of that, we are happy. We are growing closer every day as a family. Elam, T & I. It’s strange to think soon, it’ll be 4 of us…It’s funny how naive I am right now even though i’ve been through this before. Right now, all I picture is the sweetest cutest little bundle of pink cuteness smiling at googoo-gaga’ing at mommy all day long heeheee! HOW WE FORGET!!! Remind me of this when i am going absoluetly insane from lack of sleep and an inconsolable crying baby with winds and rashes & all the other newborn niggles & I’m just at my wits end cos i have NO idea what this baby wants and I actually just want to cry my eyes out & then sleep for a week!

Anyway, I really have to go now. Hopefully it won’t be another 2 montsh before I post again!

xoxo

 

 

Do you know where you’re going to?

Well, where do I start? I really have SO much on my mind at the moment. Maybe becoming a mother again forces one to introspect and reflect…but jeez loiuse! My mind is on overdrive at the moment!

The central issue is that I am just not feeling very motivated at the moment. And that is becasue I feel like there is nothing to motivate me. I feel like my life is very hum-drum, very…”daily” at the moment. I read somewhere (i think this was in a marriage context), that “the problem with life is that it is so “daily.” I feel like I am just going through the motions and everything is just kind of mediocre…

The good thing (but also the problem, in a way) is that I know exactly what is missing from  my life. Well, I know IN THEORY. Now I need to find the practical application that will turn the theory into something clearly definable. Something that I can name. I also read somewhere (i’ve been doing a lot of reading lately in my quest to find what I am looking for) that “if you can’t name it, you can’t claim it.” If you cannot clearly define what it is you want, then how on earth can you begin to go after it or work towards it???

The problem with my life at the moment is that I am missing a goal. A passion. Something to aim for & work hard towards. Something to be hungry for and throw my whole heart and soul into achieving. I have always had that thing. I have always been very goal orientated and results-driven and I have always managed to achieve those goals in a relatively short amount of time and that has always given me the most incredible energy & vigour & fulfilment. And now…I look to the near future and see no real goal in sight. Nothing makes my heart skip a beat. Nothing is driving me & propelling me to push myself to my limits and challenge myself mentally& physically. And the absence of that goal is really starting to get to me. I have never been mediocre & I fear mediocrity probably more than anything else in the world. And I do not measure that against anyone. It’s an internal battle. It’s an internal desire. It’s myself that I want to out-do. It’s myself that I want to always better and challenge and “beat.” I love doing something that seems overly-ambitious and unattainable. I’ve always loved it. And now it’s missing. It keeps me awake at night. It makes my heart sink to the pits of stomach. I hate it.

 But in a way, I am thankful that I have not become complacent. I am thankful that the voice inside my head which is currently challenging me to search for & find that thing, is still there. I watch people and I sometimes wonder why they seem happy and fulfilled and I don’t. Why the status quo is enough for them when it is eating me up inside? Why being a wife, mother and having an ok job is enough for them and not for me. I sometimes wish that it was enough for me because then I wouldn’t have this deep anxiety that I feel right now…but then I stop myself. For me, what would be worse than the way I am feeling right now, would be for that voice inside my head to ever die down.

That’s all.

The one about the kids…

Elam is currently learning so much at school and it is ofcourse SUPER exciting for us! A few new things:

• “What’s this?” is the new buzz phrase in our house. She picks up things and will ask “Mama, what’s this?” or “Tata, what’s this?”
• She always has been a mommy’s girl cos we’re just peeps like that , so anyway it comes as no suprise that she is always ver weary of leaving mommy behind.like anywhere! if I am in the kitchen and daddy wants to take her to the bedroom, she will pull on my leg and say “Mama, come.” “Let’s go Mama”.  too cute!
• She sings a lot of nursery rhymes with actions to go along with them. Sometimes its funny though because we can barely make out what she is singing. She LOVES Row row row your boat. Except when we first heard it (actions and all) it was “meh meh meh meh”…AAAHHH!” And we had NO idea what she was on about. Only to find out from teacher that the “meh meh meh meh” was actually “merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream” and the “AAAH!” is “and if you see a crocodile then don’t forget to scream, AAAHHH!” …so, you see…how were we supposed to gauge all that from “meh meh meh meh”…AAAHHH!” 
• Her other new favourite word is “BUMS” If you playfully smack her bum, she’ll say “i-Bums ka Elam” (meaning Elam’s bums ) or if I am sitting down and my pants go down a bit, she’ll say loudly (for everyone to hear!) “i-Bums kaMama” (meaning Mommy’s bums ) *highly embarassing!*
• Butterfly- she loooves butterflies. and will squeal in delight and try her best to reach for the butterfly (which is usually a moth)
• When u ask how she is, on the phone or in person, she always gives the cutest, sweetest ”I’m fiiiine.” What is your name? ‘Elam” and How old are you? she still says “ONE” but is slowly learning to say “TWO!” 

In Xhosa, her vocab is amazing! She can express herself very well and can tell us anything that she wants. Juice, sweets, bottle, to sleep, vest, pyjama, socks, pants, shoes, her teddies, to play,to go to the toilet, to get on mommy& daddy’s bed, to sleep in her cot, when she wants to read a book (well, I use the word “read” loosely), and the list goes on.

About “the other one” named Peanut for the time-being: Went for a scan at 13 weeks and baby was growing nicley and we even saw him move quite a lot. I was due for an operation yesterday to get the Shirodkar stitch inserted. Apparently, when  you have had a threatening miscarriage before, it is always safer to have the stitch inserted in subsequent pregnancies just to be on the safe side. Anyway, Daddy thinks that i should wait till I am at least 16 weeks to go in for the op because then we can also find out the baby’s gender at the same appointment. so, that will be in 2 weeks time on Wednesday the 18th April.  So, crossing fingers and praying that everything will be ok until then. We will be doing quite a bit of travelling before then. This weekend we are off to the EC to see grandma and grandpa and next weekend we are going to a wedding in Ladysmith.

Other than the admin & gynaecological issues, I am really desperately looking forward to your arrival my little Peanut. I feel such a deep sense of longing for you. A tiny, warm, sweet little bundle of wrinked cuteness. I am looking forward to being a mom again. I am looking forward to growing our family. I am looking forward to the new dynamic you will bring. I am just so in love with you & really can’t wait to meet you. I have a feeling you will be the exact opposite of your sister in personality. She’s a strong-willed, feisty little thing. but very sweet and loving at the same time. She is made up of extremes like any Arian, and we love her to bits for who she is. I think you will be quiet and sweet and more mild-natured. I wonder if she will bully you I know for sure that she will love you to death!

XOXO  you two…Mom

Daddy’s birthday dinner

It was hubby’s birthday yesterday and I think he is kind of freaking out at the moment-as men do- about the coming baby & about keeping our expenses in check etc etc. he is actually becoming a bit OCD about the whole thing and me not being the best “let’s live on the bare minimun in order to save up for the baby” kinda gal, it is starting to cause a tiny amount of friction of home. We went through the same thing with Elam and I just don’t get it. In my mind, I work way too hard not to buy the things I want for my kids and for my home. He is completely opposite. He will cut down in all “luxuries” in preparation for the baby & try to force me to do the same…*sigh* anyway, that was not the point of this post.

So, yesterday was his birthday. I wanted to go out to a fancy restaurant for dinner and to buy him a nice luxurious winter jacket/jersey/sweater as a gift. He had other ideas. He didn’t want to do anything. He felt there was no need. He felt there are “more pressing issues” to spend money on witha baby on the way blah blah blah. Anyway, so we came to a compromise (cause that’s what marriage is about and all that). he suggested we do a braai and he would invite a few close friends over. I wasn’t in the mood for a braai, I actually really felt like a lovely,hearty, warm home-cooked meal. He wanted to know what I was going to make & he wanted to make sure that I use stuff we already have at home & not spend money on groceries for the dinner…Jeez, if I really always listened to my hubby & adopted his money-saving strategies, I might just be a millionaire by now. Now, i’m not overly extravagant or anything nor am I careless with my money, but jeez louise, he is just over the top!

I assured him that I wouldn’t spend more (for an 8-man dinner) than I would’ve spent on a dinner out for the two of us. Miraculously, I actually managed to stay within that budget becasue we had a lot of the required ingredients at home already.

I decided on a simple but nice menu:

• Lamb curry (Not to brag or anything but I know that I make a kick-ass lamb curry )
• Basmati rice
• Creamed spinach with mushrooms and feta
• Mixed roasted vegetables

I actually enjoyed the cooking and setting up the table perfectly. I loved that everything was on time and as the people arrived I was basically ready to put the food on the table. I love playing hostess, especially to a smaller, more intimate crowd and I will make sure that every detail is taken care of.  Everything that may be needed from condiments to ice bucket to different types of drinks and juices will be on the table , chilled and ready. I think what I love the most, is seeing how happy & proud it makes my hubby. When everyone was raving about my cooking, I could just see him beaming and smiling from ear to ear Stuff like that makes me really happy.

I guess in the end it worked out perfectly. After all, you should do what a person will really enjoy for their special day rather than what YOU “think” they will enjoy or even worse, making them do what YOU will enjoy.

Happy birthday my love& my best friend. We’ve come a long way together, had some close calls, but “hung ten” and rode the rough sees together and can never give up now. We in this one for the long haul. I love you truly, madly, deeply.

 

Darling daughter…

Dear Bincy, Lammie-pie, Lam-Lam, “Nononi”, Lolly, Alilili, baba and all the other  crazy little names mommy & daddy call you.

I wouldn’t even know how to express how much I love you. Most of the time, it is just a constant, always there, warm fuzzy feeling of love for you. Sometimes you will do or say something that will make my heart swell with pride and ache a little for the overwhelming love I have for you. But sometimes something happens which puts all my mommy protective instincts into Maximum gear. I feel like a lioness ready to attack anything and anyone in order to protect you. It is similar to the “flight or flight” response we humans have. It is an adrenalin rush that sweeps over you and you cant even thing rationally. Something like that happened yesterday & it is still on my mind. I cried, my heart broke. It was one of the low points in my motherhood. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I cannot always be there to protect you 24/7. It hit me like a ton of bricks that sometimes, regardless of the best of intentions, the most thorough refernce checks, the most thorough background checks and due diligence, I still sometimes entrust you to a person that i do not entirely know and a person that may hurt you. I can’t even go into the detail, it is still too painful for me. But hopefully someday I will be able to forgive myself and comes to terms with it. What I do want you to know is that I am doing my best for you. Everything I do is with your best interests at heart. Sometimes I need to make sacrifices and difficult choices but I always put you first and sometimes I may not always be able to be with you, but in my mind at least, it is an investment I am making in your future and to improve the quality of your life. I hope that one day you will understand.

On a more cheerful note, You are such a light in our life my angel. You just bring so much happiness and joy and laughter to daddy & me. You latest Lami-isms:

• Singing nursery rhymes from school like Ring-a-ring-a Rosie; Twinkle Twinkle little star ,although the 2nd part of the song goes something like “wata wata wata ta” (How I wonder what you are). 
• Singing the “Thank u for our food” prayer before eating.
• Your feisty personality when saying “Mama NO! ” or “Tata NO!” or just standing firm and shaking your head “no” when given an instruction. But I think daddy’s done a better job at discipline that i have because when he speaks firmly to you, you immediately jump and do what you are told.
• Your politeness: You may moan and scream for something and you are a very imaptient little monkey who I guess has not yet grasped the concept of “baba, wait a second”. But then when I give you what you were asking for, You give me the sweetest cutest, politest ‘thank you Mama”
• When daddy or I sneeze you never ever forget to say ‘Bless you mama” or ‘Bless you Tata”…TOOOOO ADORABLE!
• You looooove to play! Like Seriously, obsessively, never-get-tired kind of love. At a party we went to on saturday, you played and jumped on the Jumping catle till 10 pm!  at times, all by yourself. Just jumping happily and squealing in delight everything you fell over. needless to say you fell asleep before we even reached the gate of the complex on our way home.
• You still MADLY love your bottle! In fact, you seem to be getting worse! I know you use it as a comfort item, but MAN, can you down that milk quickly! You can down a  250ml bottle of milk in under 5 minutes! and THEN WANT ANOTHER ONE! It’s actually quite bad and I’m not sure if we should be concerned. Also, as a result of the copious amounts of milk you drink, you tend to wet your bed a lot more these days. Your pee goes through your nappy and onto your sheets and blankies. We have resorted to now changing your nappy about twice a night. Jeez, i thought we were WAY past that stage. I think I need to be more firm with you & restrict you to one bottle when you go to bed but no more bottles after that in the moddle of the night. No way Jose!
• On the potty training front, (besides the night time) you have been doing beautifully my angel. I am SO proud of you.You have stopped wearing nappies to school, but now wear panties and you have hardly had any accidents! You now even want to undress and dress yourslef before and after using the potty and get very angry if mommy tries to help you.
• Overall, we are very happy with your development, and we get excited about EVERY LITTLE THING. Literally. Sometimes you give us a look like you don’t know what all the fuss is about One day you will understand…

In other exciting news, mommy is 13 weeks 1 day pregnant today. Whoohoo! You are going to have a little brother or sister! I know it may be a bit of an adjustment for you and I promise to make the transition as easy as possible for you because really, you are also still just a baby and still need mommy & daddy’s attention. I do think though, that you will love your little brother/sister and I absolutely can’t wait to see you two interact and grow up together.

Went shopping with you yesterday. WOW, it’s like since the last time we went shopping together, you have completely changed. I guess you are really growing up becasue now, there are things in the shop that you will want and scream for. After we braved pick ‘n pay where you forced me to buy you suckers (which you then proceeded to make me lick & if I didn’t you threw a huge fit!), wanted to sit in another trolley which had a baby seat in it whilst all our groceries were in our own trolley (& I wasnt about to transfer them all into YOUR trolley). That also caused World war 3. *sigh*. We then headed off to Woolies where you continued our rampage. You grabbed a whole of clothes off their hangers and proceeded to force me to put them on you! You screamed for shoes, pyjamas, jeans, gowns. The works! i was so flustered by the end of it that I just wanted to go home. I had wanted to go to Mr Price home  to look for linen for your new bedroom and other items but eventually realised that it wans’t going to work. So, off we headed back home. Needless to say you fell asleep the instant your head hit the (carseat) pillow. Maybe you were just tired…I don’t know. I think it will be a while before I am ready to go shopping with you again. we’ll see. Only bright side is that I got you the CUTEST Walkmate boots and the CUTEST little Woolies slippers! They will go perfect with all the pretty little winter jammies I bought you last week. Also found you a tracksuit (at long last!) and another wintery outfit.  Jeez Louise, I am struggling to find you winter clothes! Am i just too fussy? I wanted to get you like 6-7 winter tracksuits for school but I have so far, only managed to find ONE. Any moms have a secret as to where they are buying this winter, please share!

Anyway, that’s about it from me to you today my love. I love you with all my heart and more.

 

 

Weekend vibes…

Gee wizz, we had a busy weekend! I guess I’ve been a bit of a hobbit lately, preferring to stay at home, watch tv, sleep…and that’s about it. But then I started to feel bored and restless  and knew that we had to get out of the house, see people, inject a bit of VOOMA back into our lives!

So, Saturday morning, we headed off to Kay’s Place in Edenvale to meet Anita and adorable little Kamva for a play session for the monkies and a eating&chatting session for the mommies. The kiddies had so much fun playing on the swings, slides, ballpond, trampoline. Only one glitch. They did not want to play in the boring toddler area(which, in their defense, should really be for babies up to 2 years). These brave girls wanted to play in the big-kiddies area and were not taking no for an answer. At least we were in clear view and could watch them like hawks although one or both of them did at times diappear in the maze of the play area only to appear happily out of a tunnel a few minutes later. What was funny though was that, when we wanted to leave, Elam got it in her mind that she needed one last rumble in the play area so, whilst i was paying at the exit, she ran back into the store and climbed up one level of the jungle gym. Now..the challenging part was that mommy can’t exactly climb up after her. So, there ensued a long negotiation (read:begging,pleading,bribing) to please come down which was met with a defiant “ah ah NO!” each time. Lucky for me, I managed to get her to pass down her Yoguetta lolly to mommy which gave me a bargaining tool! After a while, she succumbed and came down to get her Yoguetta. GOTCHA!

Sidebar- Little Miss K is such a cutie. Such a strong little spirit and personality. Typical Aries baby. Elam, on the other hand. who literally rules the roost at home, becomes a quiet little think in Miss K’s presence and just looks on quietly…poor baby. Maybe she’s just not used to having another feisty little person like her around. I’m sure she’ll come out of her shell soon.

From Kay’s place, we went home and I (as usual) wanted to chill, veg in front of the tv, and catch a nap. But then I felt bad cos it was such an anti-climax for my poor active toddler who loves to play. I also felt guilty because we had been spending A LOT of time at home doing nothing & I know that she was getting very bored, poor thing.  there is a park close to our house that we hardly ever go to, and I decided that we would go to the park and play a  bit. Elam had a great time, sliding, swinging and going up and down on the Merry-go-round. We met an adorable 3 yr old little girl called Anile there who was there with her grandpa. She and Elam hit it off instantly. Anile reckoned she was quite the big sister and held Elam’s hand leading her from the slide to the swings & letting Elam ride her tricycle (but not before fitting Elam with a helmet and other safety gear ) Too cute!

After the park, we were good and happy, sunburnt and nice& tired. After baths & supper, both baby & mommy were out for the count. (I had PLANNED a wild night out on the town with hubby cos I got it into my mind that I wanted to be partying like its 1999 when the clock struck midnight on my 27th birthday) Well…the only partying I did was IN MY DREAMS Somebody needs to admit and accept that they are no longer the Spring Chickens they used to be and with a bun in the oven to boot, my Freakum dress days are all but numbered.

Sunday was my birthday. Suffice to say i had an awesome day in all. Some low points but they were more than made-up for. Will do a post on my birthday later.

All photo’s are on my BB which is seriously acting up at the moment. *angry face*

xoxo