Random thoughts…

30 Dec

There are a couple of thoughts floating around my head at the moment…just want to jot them down so I don’t forget them…

1) People who say “I don’t believe in divorce”…this phrase strikes me as rather…odd. Particularly when spoken by (and this is always the case) people who are in difficult or dead marriages, some are being unfaithful or living completely separate lives to their spouses, some avoiding their spouses like the plague…but they “don’t believe in divorce…” I haven’t quite formulated a definite opinion on this but it is something that crosses my mind often…does anyone really “believe” in divorce?…or is it often the only alternative at the end of a very long and painful road where all other avenues have often been exhausted?… Is it a “belief” in divorce that causes people to finally decide to split in pursuit of peace and release and the hope of another shot at happiness? Is it so black & white? You either believe in divorce or you don’t? And if you don’t? What does that mean for the rest of your life? (if the situation is untenable?)…Or is the lack of belief in divorce what holds many families together through the tough times? Is “I don’t believe in divorce’ the mantra that helps many couples beat the odds?…Is there a definiteive answer to this question?…

2) I am becoming more and more convinced everyday that authenticity is one of the keys to success and happiness. I feel like living your life to please someone or everyone, or living the life you “think” is cool/socially acceptable. The white-picket-fence mentality that has transcended all ages and generations. Trying to emulate your parents, siblings,friends,colleagues…I feel like this way of living is a sure recipe for disaster. Simply becasue when you fail at building the perfect facade..or even if you succeed at this )and this is food for thought)…you still have to go home, be alone in the night…and have to face yourself. You still have to look in the mirror and face who you truly are. And if you are pretending to be something you are not, that nagging sensation deep in the pit of your stomachmorphs into a giant in times of solitude. A giant that looks at you straight in the eye and asks you WTF??? who are you? What are you doing? You can run away from this giant for many many years but the years of running will eventually take their toll and one shushu day, you will be left with no option but to face it. And even worse when you fail. Why fail at pretending to be someone/ something you are not? is it not better to fail knowing that you did what you truly believed what right and true to YOU in every moment and with every decision? So you only have tod eal with the failure. and not comound it with feelings of WTF was I doing anyway. That’s not me. That’s not LIKE me. Tha’s not something I would normally do anyway? Why did I even do that??? anyway…just putting it out there…

3) This has weighed quite heavily on my heart for a long time and it is an age-old debate. I saw a tweet eralier today that said “the day I stopped being a martyr, I began to enjoy being a mother…” hhhmmm… That resonated with me big time. I, personally, think martyrdom for women is something we think is our birthright. We sub-consciously think that the more we suffer, struggle and bear unhappiness “for our children”, the greater the reward will be on judgment day. or your kids will be forever indebted to you for your sacrifice. This is where I disagree though. Many people responded to that tweet with “my siblings and I paid dearly for that and still are…” You see, martyrdom doesn’t really come free of charge. Those children you are sacricing your life for? You secretly EXPECT a return on that investment. Suddenly when your kids grow up, you feel that they “owe” you. Afterall, you sacrificed your lifelong happiness for them! I often feel that martyrdom is not anywhere near as noble an act as we may like to have people beleieve…It’s actually quite a self-righteous act if anything. And I do not want to bstow such heavy a responsibility on my kids as to be responsible for my hefty arrears of happiness becasue “I did it for them.” abantwana babelungu ke bona shem,  due to lack of impama in their culture, might righfully turn to you and ask “BUT WHO ASKED YOU TO???” Uzophendula uthini? I love my kids with everything that I am & I do believe in sacrificing for them and their happiness. they are 100% my responsibility while they are young and so is their happiness. But I do not believe in being a martyr. I recognise that they are individuals who will grow up and leave the nest and want their own lives one day. And then what? I do not want them to carry such a heavy responsibility & I don’t want to be bitterly dissappointed when they don’t “return the favour.” as children often don’t…

 

That’s all.

 

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The year that was…

30 Dec

  

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Go overseas. Actually 1st went in December 2012 then in June 2013.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any. But I wanted to be a good/better wife. Stronger. More resilient. I thought I wasn’t strong/resilient enough. Bleh. How naive…

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?

With good friends. No big new years eve bash. just good company…and good Haute Cabriere 🙂

 4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

America: Atlanta, Miami & New York.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Peace. Happiness. Peace. Did I mention Peace?

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

15 December. Not for good reasons. But it had to happen. one way or the other. and it was never going to be nice or amicable or peaceful. We were very painfully & needlessly delaying the inevitable. Fighting against what we have known deep down for a long time. We were never going to “go gently into that good night…” so, it’s ok that it happened the way it did. I learnt a valuable lesson in letting go.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Facing myself. My harshest critic & the person I avoid the most…

9. What was your biggest failure?

Being afraid to let go, for so long, to something which was so clearly toxic in my life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I suffered from depression and anxiety.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Two identical Hermes Handbags. One pink. one black.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Paying bills and travelling

13. What song will always remind you of 2013?

John Legend: All of me| Bob Marley: Redemption Song. |Emeli Sande: Maybe and Clown

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Allowed myself to be happier. Stop trying to be anything or anyone other than who & what I am. Been able to focus more on work through all the turmoil in my life.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Fall apart

16. What were your favourite TV shows?

Scandal

Sister Sister!

5 Jun

 

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                                                                                          Elam

 

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                                                                                  Kearapela

Introducing Princess Kiki. My baby, my angel, my light.

3 Jun

 

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Where I’ve been, The big “D” word, and other ramblings.

3 Jun

So, it’s been a minute (almost a year actually!) and I recently got reminded that I used to blog. for my girls. Cos I suck at keepsakes and souveniers and albums and treasure boxes(though they do each at least have a treasure box in my defense). I blogged because I wanted my littlies to have something to remind them of their childhood, something that I wouldn’t lose or mistakenly throw away when I get my bouts of “we’ve got faaar too much CRAP in this house and half of it needs to go NOW before I go mad!”This blog, for me, was my little “Dear diary” for my girls. and it would always be availabe for them in cyberspace. To remind them of the fun we had. Some of the tough times we had. How we held onto each other through it all etc etc and all that kind of stuff.

I did it quite well for a while. But then something happened which I wasn’t aware of.

1. I lost interest in the things I used to like

2. I felt blue more often than not.

3. I felt gripped by anxiety and an ever-present impending sense of doom.

4. I felt lethargic and lazy and lacked energy.

5. I started having a very negatiove self image

6. I couldn’t sleep at night and wasn’t eating very well…

Yes folks…if you’ve ever encountered some of these symptoms, you will have guessed that I was depressed. Not the, “i’m just having a shitty day” kind of depressed, but the “I can’t face another day. My world has collapsed around my shoulders. I brought 2 kids into the world which I don’t have the energy to look after because life sucks and I suck and everything about me is awful and I’m ugly and un-attractive and no wonder I am alone 99% of the time and God must have made me on an off day becasue nobody else I know has such serious character defects, and why couldn’t I be more like him or more like her becasue they have life all figured out and I have no clue WTF I’m doing most of the time and I feel like I am permanently carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Oh, and can somebody please rip my heart out of my chest because the pain of carrying it around all day really is just too much….THAT kind of depression.

Anywhoo, won’t dwell on that. Suffice it to say that i got to a point where I had to admit the the SH*T had hit the fan and I had no other alternative but to seek help or will myself to die. But that 2nd strategy hadn’t worked out quite so well over the past few months so I figured my willpower wasn’t even strong enough for THAT! Anyway, so my mom eventually realised that this chicaroo, who had always seemed to have it together, was infact barely hanging on by a thread. And that was the beginning of my journey to recovery, which I’m still very much on and is still very new.

While I was away, I had a beautiful baby girl called Kearapela, which meand “I Pray” in Sotho. I sometimes feel very very guilty that this precious little angel came into my life at a point where I was grappling with depression and hadn’t even realised it yet. and that the realisation came so early in her little life. and that she had to live through some not very nice times in mommy’s life. My prayer to God is that she doesn’t remember and that she wasn’t adversely affected by it. But guess you will read this one day my little Keeks. Whe you do, just know that you were and are one of the greatest blessings in my life and one of my reasons for fighting to get better. of fighting for life. Of fighting for light, and happiness and wholeness. So that I can be the best mother to you girls as I can be. Also, a part of me is a little glad that I went through this. It means, firstly that I KNOW for a FACT that black people get depression too. Lol! So, that’s one obstacle out of the way. Secondly, it means that I am very much aware of the signs and signals and god-forbid one of you girls should ever have to reach the levels of despair that I did before people accepted that I needed help.

Anyway, what a depressing 1st post after so long without posting. But it’s reality. It’s the reason I lost interest in a lot of things and just wallowed in self-loathing and depression for almost a year…

Not too cheery for a Monday morning huh?

 

 

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Neeeed this dress. Like desperately.

27 Feb

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I’m making a list, & checking it twice…

14 Jun

So, the kids beds are being delivered next week and I still have a lot of shopping to do! This is my list of stuff I still have to get…not very encouraging… 🙂

1. 2 x sets of sheets (each set containing a flat sheet, fitted sheet & pillow case).

2. 2 x standard sized pillows.

3. 2 x duvet cover sets. I already have one set but the beds will need to be changed so need a 2nd set.

4. 2 x quilts. I love the idea of a quilt at the bottom of the bed.

5. 2 x pedestals.

6. 2 x lamps

7. Stuff for the walls. Picture frames, wall art, etc. (we’re still renting our house so no painting will be happening but need to brighten up the  walls.)

8. Decorated wooden letters spelling out each of their names. Elam’s name is nice & short but peanuts name is long so will be doing an abbreviation of it.

9. A pretty mat.

CRAP! I’ve been thinking I am waaay over eager and I’ve been holding myself back from buying lots of bedroom stuff too prematurely. Now suddenly its a week away and I seem to have nothing!!!  Crap crap crap. Sandton City, here I come…